My Life in Paradise

because I only wish I could make this sh*t up…

Death Cock……..is loud…..

Death Metal Rooster…..  Just click the linky.  You won’t thank me, but I’ll thank you.

The above bit of goodness is brought to me by my god brother.  He is without a doubt TheMostGorgeousManUnder30 and thankfully he knows it, I know it and when I get to go to lunch with him and all the girls stare me down.  Hahaha I win!  Look I don’t get to win against Barbie very often….so I take what I can get!!

(He’s not gay……HomoKiwi I already know what you are thinking….I know sad HomoKiwi…)

TheMostGorgeousManUnder30 also happens to be really smart and equally if not more snarky than his older, not so wiser, sister.  And hence I am graced with roosters with billy clubs, satan living in Scotland and Death Metal Rooster….

PS – Did I mention he’s going to be a Dr. and keep me young.forever.and.ever.and.ever!!!

PPS – He’s single.  But I have to approve and I’m unlikely to approve of anyone.  Except someone snarkier than me or brave enough to send me Death Cocks..  The feathered kind.  Not that the other kind can’t be feathered..  But they shouldn’t be – at least not unless that is your fetish and there is after all Rule 34.

it appears my favorite Rule34 comic from xkcd has gone missing.  sorry!

 

 

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Whale shit is bigger than coconuts….. and I’m back to paddling!

There are only a few people in my life who have any idea what I’m talking about when I blather on about paddling.  So go here to 2:34 to see what I’m talking about.

Soooo about the only reason I want to get up at god-o-clock in the morning in paradise is to paddle, let’s just be really clear..  (This post is NOT an invitation to call me at christ’o’clock. I won’t like you very much if you do!)

I woke up 10 minutes before the roosters would have rousted me..  That’s 5:45 HST or 7:45PST or 1:45EST or 6:45 NZTime…. Yeah I have a thing with clocks lately – mostly because EVERYONE wants to know what.time.it.is.in.Hawaii….

Anyway – ass crack of dawn – you know before the sun is even up and I’m zooming down the road in my glitter beetle with the tunes turned up. ..  I’m heading 20 minutes south to Keauhou Bay and paddling with the geriatric snow birds.  (Who by the way kick ass harder than most of the mainland practice sessions I’ve been a part of!!)

Weeeehaaaw off I go into the water inappropriately dressed.  Cotton sucks when it’s wet and my paddle and rash guards are not in Hawaii- yet so I suffer through the minor indignities of looking like a total newb.  I’m also 40lbs heavier than the last time I sat in a canoe.  Not the happiest moment of my life.  *cry*

And then the sunrise starts……  After a 40 minute paddle we stop..  I look up and there’s the sun rising in all it’s glory over the volcano.  I wanted to cry – I still want to cry every time I head out on the water.  How lucky am I that I watch the sun rise from the ocean 3 days a week.  I am so incredibly luck (roosters aside) to get to spend time studying in Hawaii.  Even if I miss my friends and family – the glory of the sunrise makes up for a hell of a lot.    Oh and I can’t hear a single rooster when I’m out paddling.

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Dear Diary – they are still trying to kill me…

Dear Diary…

It’s day 234,564,347,856,999,999,999 and they still have it in for me.  Their plan will not work – i won’t give in.  They continue to deprive me of sleep but I have determined they are small and scare easily.  I do not know why they are doing this.  I am not a terrorist, yet….

Tomorrow I may begin to try and dig my way out.  With a spatula and a plastic spork.  The cooks give me coffee but soon I will need it by IV.

The US Military has jack shit on 4 wild.fucking.rooster.from.hell.  You want to get something out of me?  Don’t tickle me, waterboard me, hang me from hooks or set me on fire – I do those things for fun.  Just stick me on a farm in the tropics with roosters that never shut.the.bloody.hell.up and I’ll tell you anything and give you everything I own.  Even my shoe collection – hell I’ll give you your shoe collection and allllll of my Urban Decay cosmetics.  This is some serious torture………unending TORTURE!!!

 

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I have strange new hobbies…… (roosters.still.aren’t.dead…)

Yeah I know what you are thinking and it’s just because you are jealous.  I swear!

“Sarah has allllllllllllways had strange hobbies, even stranger friends and an innate desire share just how weird she is with everyone.under.the.sun..”

Yeah and??  So getting back to strange hobbies…

I’ve taken up errand running, baking bread and making dinner…

I’m turning into a domestic homosexual..

There should be a day devoted to “Homosexuals Who Bake”..

HomoKiwi and I would certainly be King and Queen of such a day..

You know you just want me for my challah…..  I wonder if I can bake challah in a shape like……  (HomoKiwi will know…..)

F_n = F_{n-1} + F_{n-2},\!\,

with seed values

F_0 = 0,\; F_1 = 1
Look proof!!

Look! I'm a challah making homo now!

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Gardening with HerMajesty…..

When most people garden with their mother they put on cute gloves and don squishy knee protectors and a big hat.  It’s an affair that may or may not need a shower, but will certainly need potting soil and small rose clippers.

Then there is my life in paradise..

HerMajesty appeared in my backyard wearing the most god awful outfit and a belt with knives hanging from it that would scare a seriously seasoned bad ass gangster in Oakland. I will share a photo someday.

Me: Hi Mum!  Muuuuum – mum!!

HerMagesty: “Oh hello darling. Where were you?”

Me: “Sitting at my table doing homework.”

HerMagesty: “That’s nice.”

*rusting of plants, moving of bushes and 10 feet into the jungle she disappears..

HerMagesty: “Sarah – there’s a pathway back here and a pineapple and I take it someone broke this marble paver..”
Me: “Yeah…..it was me – I threw it at a rooster….”

<The End>

PS…. Here’s a picture to prove I’m not insane!  😐

She's scares gangsters in Oakland!

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Here’s your clue about me for free…….

Here’s your clue about me for free…….

Reason # 1 I fall up the stairs….never usually down..that hurts more and is too Scarlett O’hara for me..  When I want to channel Scarlett – I’ll do it right…

Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.

Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.

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A Hawaiian vocabulary lesson (or what I did on the 200+ mile round trip to pick up my GlitterBeetle)

So I checked in with Matson and my adorable GlitterBeetle arrived at the port in Hilo 1/11.  Yay!  My gay wheels made it…..secretly I like driving the 4×4…..well I did pick it and it’s a bad ass SUV….anyway..  Here’s a sliver of hilarity from the trip to Hilo and back….

Vocabulary – according to HerMagesty… *please remember the accent for an authentic experience*

NeNe – Hawaiian goose that can’t fly and makes really sweet cooing sounds. Cheeky buggers walked up to the car (and me when I was snapping photos) like they were strolling through to the drive up at McDonalds. I imagine they all talk like Anotonio Banderas and say things like…..

“Hello what do you have for me today? Would you like to take my picture?!” (Yeah I know this is Hawaii and not some latin country – but this is me we are talking about, stop expecting normal!)

Citation – What I get when I give HerMagesty my microbiology flash cards. I was really going for “What’s a cation?” What I got was “A citation is… Sarah-Louise what does this have to do with RN school?”

Neon – A negatively charged ion. See above and insert “anion”.

Other.Things.I.Can’t.Make.Up

Topless.Hawaiian.Midget – no really I saw one scurry across the road.  I had been napping for the 40 previous miles, but even in my groggiest state I can’t dream that up……and there isn’t enough brain bleach in the world..

Rooster – stupid.fucking.wild.poultry and they are not dead yet.

I will get around to posting pictures at some point..

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note cards, microbiology, and REDRUM…

So here I sit.  Nice view of the ocean.  Birds chirping.  Doing my homework like a good femme should.  I’m in the middle of writing a note card about the 4 nucleotides of DNA and I start writing like I’m possessed by a demon….  *insert nails on chalkboard sound please…*

I’m not possessed.  Really, I’m not.  Just ask…..  Oh forget it don’t ask anyone just take my word for it for fucks sake!   The roosters have triangulated around the house and decided to crow back and forth like I can only imagine nice little yodelers do on pristine mountain tops in Switzerland.  I’m not in the Swiss Alps in case you aren’t following along to where I am.. and I might feel insane is surrounded by yodelers ask me when I’m trying to do homework in the Swiss Alps..  No wait – don’t ask me..  I’ll have thrown my cell phone down the mountain face and gone skiing naked…..  As I was saying!!

Have.I.Mentioned.I.Want.The.Roosters.Dead.Yet?

If not – let me remind you.  My nice friendly, fluffy, what a fierce femme does in Hawaii for 1.5 years blog has become my rampage against poultry in particular wild.fucking.roosters.

So I made up this ditty to amuse myself while scribbling REDRUM over and over again on my notecards.  ((Gah – technology you hosebeast..  Don’t put this post up before I’m done!!  Ok along again..))  Sing this to “How Much Is That Dog In The Window” while thinking…. about how much I want the roosters to expire..

  • Oh when oh when will my slingshot come?
  • Oh when oh when will it arrive?
  • With their stupid feathery tails and their stupid ugly beaks I’m going to make sure they all die!

Yes I really ordered a slingshot.  My favoritest Geek in the Midwest found me a slingshot with metal ammo.  Have I mentioned I love geeks and this one in particular?  I’ll post details on the slingshot later..  No I’m not sharing the Geek..  He’s married and not to me!!

So until I have dead roosters to show you just imagine me strung out over a rooster or 4.  Not finals, not what do I wear, not omg I have a date..  Roosters…  4 of them..  And they are holding me hostage..  In Hawaii..  With a nice view..  And fresh fruit……

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Things I bet you didn’t know about Hawaii…..

a) It’s cold here.  Like fall in N. California cold– in the morning and since I  have, as quickly as possible, acclimatized to never.wanting.to.be.cold.again – the weather this AM sucked.  (I wrote this post under 2 blankets with my ugly UofT sweatshirt on.) Go Longhorns! Whatever else you make a great ugly ass pajama hoody..

b) Everyone really is nice.  It’s not just a tourist commercial.  Seriously.

c) Poultry are everywhere.  Wild and obnoxious poultry.  I’m waiting on a slingshot from Cabelas then it’s on like donkey kong.  (I interrupted writing this message from AlohaLand  to go throw rocks at the stupid roosters.)

d) Chasing roosters – it’s easy to get up the lava rock hill – it’s less easy to get down the lava rock hill.  Thank god no one else was awake because about the time I started down the hill I realized it was god o’clock in the am and I was in flipflops, a UofT hoody and  my underpants had the words “SPANK ME” emblazoned across my ass.

y) Everything here comes down to my disdain for roosters going off at midnight, 2am and 6:46am.

z) I want a monkey, but this isn’t new to me being in Hawaii……..

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Is this thing on?

*tap tap*

Gooooooooooooood moooooooooooooorning Vietnam..  No wait Hawaii..  I’m in Hawaii.  Proof of this is the obnoxious roosters that have done their level best to wake me up every.god.damn.day starting December 26, 2011.  The couldn’t have woken me up on December 25th because I arrived in Hawaii awake.  I know neat trick of mine huh?

So here are the deets for the 999th time.  I’m in Hawaii you know, the chain of islands 2400 miles from anywhere that people love to come to on vacation…  Yeah I moved here.  For school.  On Christmas Day.  I live on a coffee farm in Captain Cook…. With 4 obnoxious roosters, a metric ton of hens (who annoy me muuuuch less than the roosters), 2 dogs, 5+ cats, oh and MyLadyMother aka HerMajesty and her husband my StepBob and a view of the ocean – a lot of ocean….

Can’t be all bad right?  Well….  Ask me in another 15 days!  For now – sit back, buckle up and hold onto your Richard Simmons videos – this is my life!

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