My Life in Paradise

because I only wish I could make this sh*t up…

A Conversation With TheDragon…..

Yes these conversations really do happen…..

TheDragon: Hows your free range cocks?

Me: Haven’t been to the farm yet..  Had to come right to school…  But now I have free range ducks!!”

TheDragon:  oooooo duckies!  waddle waddle quack quack!

Me: EXACTLY!  I’m thinking of teaching them to kill roosters.

The Dragon: They’d have to be able to catch them first……

Me: Or surround them and drown them.  Or just surround them until they starve!

The Dragon: Lol – There’s that……

Me: Or just be ninja ducks and karate chop them all!

The Dragon:  Ninja Ducks ftw!

Me: Exactly – I knew you would understand.  Black ruffled ninja duck outfits.  Ducks are white soo…

The Dragon: Ruffles aren’t very ninja-like, just saying.  But I’m also not a fashionista

Note – The Dragon rides a Harley – he’s fashionable in that OMG.I.WANT.TO.HAVE.YOUR.LEATHER.KITTENS. kind of way.  0_o

Me: How do you know?  Just because you haven’t met a ninja in ruffles doesn’t mean they don’t exist….

The Dragon: Oh I’m sure they exists – but ruffles are noisy and therefor anthetical to the ninja.

Me: Ninja are so stealthy you can’t see them!

The Dragon:  You’ve been talking to the fundies again haven’t you…..

Me: Invisible ninja ruffles.  007duck style!

The Dragon:  I see the circular logic argument spinning up…….

Me: No….  I just didn’t sleep except on the plane for a few hours..  So I stick by my ninja duck ruffles until tomorrow morning……..

The Dragon:  Ok then…

JUST.SO.WE.ARE.CLEAR..  It’s been a few days…  My ducks are actually spotted and I still think they need to have ninja ruffle outfits..  Just like this only black!!

 Buckminster.The.Pony.Size.Dog isn’t a duck..  But he’s so cute!!

Buckminster – My.Little.Pony.Dog

Advertisements
Leave a comment »

I went away and they gave me a flock of ducks and a horse! (no really!!)

I went away..  I went away..  No I didn’t go to the looney bin – I went to California!

It was my LauraMom’s 65th birthday weekend so I left my lava rock island for 5 days of lesbian adventures, bagel making and general amazing queer fun…

But really the most amusing and interesting thing that happened is that while I have been away my parents got me a flock of ducks and a dog the size of a pony.  No.I.am.not.kidding.  I have a flock of ducks to take care of and a giant dog named Bucky……

I have no idea what the f*ck to do with ducks, but I’ll learn.  I think I’ll teach them to be rooster killing ninja ducks..  Quaaaaaaaaaaiak!!  (That’s a quacking high-ya for those of you who aren’t fluent in duckness, because you can’t be – I just made it up!)

Leave a comment »

This is what breakfast in AlohaLand can be like…..

You need to be listening to a particular piece of lovely music in the background while you read this post…..  We’ll call this an episode of Faulty Lanais.  It’s like Faulty Towers only it involves Australians, an American and an ocean view from the west.coast.of.and.island.in.the.middle.of.no.where.

BobDad:  How was the flight over?
Me:  The sky was a beautiful color blue when we landed.
BobDad:  Why do you do that?  You and your mother both!  You never answer the question I ask, just some version of it you deem similar!
Me:  I learned it from her…………….
HerMajesty: She did answer you dear.  I understood what she meant perfectly.
BobDad:  That doesn’t help!  No one else understands because neither of you ever answers a question!
HerMajesty and I together:  Yes we do!
BobDad: No you don’t!
Me:  Blame HerMajesty – I am just the child who learned from the Queen.
BobDad:  So how was the flight over?
Me: Pass the pancakes please……….
BobDad:  See what I mean!!  Oh never mind!!
<the end>

A picture that has nothing to do with breakfast and still it makes me happy.

Leave a comment »

Roosters Love Orchids! – kind of like the Nissan commercial Dogs Love Trucks only less amusing…

😐  We’ll start with that face…..  😐  again just to make sure it’s understood that I am not a happy monkey.  Oh and here is the Dogs Love Trucks commercial in case you have no idea what I’m talking about because you should, it was funny!

So back to my unhappiness…….The stupid roosters have decided that in retaliation for rock throwing in my underwear (again) they are going to terrorize my orchids.

-asshole poultry-

So far they have left the baby orchids and the grown up orchids alone.  They seem to like knocking over my juvenile orchids best.  Stupid roosters, I can take out their kids and their little white dogs to you know!  Someone hand me my broomstick!

My friend DiverDan has located me a pink slingshot since Cabelas failed me!  He’ll be sending that soon I hope….  HINT HINT HINT!!!.

Side note: I had a pink leopard broom, but my SuperBitchHouseMateFromHell has it.  It would have matched the pink slingshot really well.  As it is I’m going to need some pink underwear for this next phase of rooster irradication.

In yet further rooster adventures I was questioned by my FairyGodMother as to if I was really actually going to kill the roosters.  What do you think I’m going to do?  😐

So now I must go back to googling for deep sea microbes and sexy underwear. (The underwear is NOT for the roosters!!)

So tiny and so sweet!

Leave a comment »

Offical-ish Notice Thingy…. (Oh don’t get too excited I’m not getting married….)

EVEN THOUGH IT’S LEGAL IN CALIFORNIA FOR ME TO GET MARRIED!!!  It’s been a tearful and joyful day for me as I think about my friends who are getting married or have gotten married and get to make it legalish now!   Oh and my brother TheMostHandsomeManUnder30 has agreed with delight that should I ever get married he’s wearing his kilt to walk me down the aisle and stand with me..  I did promise him he didn’t have to wear a dress, but a kilt is not a dress.  IT’S not so don’t go there, he’s a bazzillion feet tall and made of muscles and stuff!

So the less important news is……that I’m adding pictures to old posts..  It’ll take me a few days, but clicky backwards to see pictures involving HerMagesty, challah, roosters, and I’ve opted to leave out any pictures of me in my spank me underpants and long horns sweatshirt.  

~there.isn’t.enough.brain.bleach.in.the.world.for.that.fiasco~

<the.end>

Thinking about rivers again......

Leave a comment »

I want to be this lady when I grow up!!

Yeah so I’m already kinda grown up, but I stumbled across the blog of a woman who has been to 33 countries and has no plans on stopping.  YES PLEASE!!  (minus the pregnant part because we allllll know I’m Mommy Dearest material and the world doesn’t need more wire hanger scenes)

At the moment for a couple of reasons my travel is limited to frequent trips back to California.  Is it the 16th yet?!?!?! BUT upon graduation – that.has.to.change.

So here is my hit list.  The top 5 places I want to see or see again!

  1. Europe – this trip is in the budding stage.  Ideally I’ll go summer 2013 before RN school.
  2. Scotland – I have an overwhelming desire to go to Scotland again, but this time with  TheHandsomestManUnder30.  I have a feeling my brother and I will get into enough trouble that someone will have to bail us out.  ET Phone Home!
  3. India – I.Just.Want.To.Shop
  4. Africa – I’m fairly certain there is an AIDS project with my name on it in Africa
  5. Galapagos – I need to find out if they have a monkey for me.

I will not be traveling with roosters or to anywhere that advertises having poultry as some kind of country delight.  I’m fine without fresh eggs thanks.

😐

6 Comments »

A Medical Guide to Hazardous Marine Life………and distractions of the non poultry kind..

So here’s a fun paddling link to watch!  (I like big waves and I can not lie – HomoKiwi you sing with me please!)

I’m not telling you why I’m distracted so let’s just move on!  (It’s probably the roosters keeping me awake…or rivers..it’s the rivers…Either way ONWARD!

HerMajestyMyLadyMother took me to the.most.incredible.bookstore.ever!  Ok so maybe I’m exagerating a little, but it was a warehouse size used bookstore in Hawaii with a fairly good queer section.  As usual everything with HerMajesty is ever an adventure.

ME: “Do you have an LGBT section..” 

CounterLady: “A what?”

ME:  “Gay section – books about gays….”

CounterLady: “Oh yes!  It’s on the far wall…”

ME: “Thank you!”

*This is me wander wander wander wandering around smelling the books.  MyLadyMother handed me a book called A Medical Guide to Hazardous Marine Life -squeeeee-*

CounterLady “Did you find what you were looking for?”

ME: “Oh yes – I thought I was gay before, but I certain I am now..”

*This is the counter lady blinking rapidly while HerMagesty plies me with book purchases*

*This is me wandering out the door after HerMagesty but not without exclaiming I have found another book that is my long lost friend and needs to come home with me!*

MyLadyMother:  “Sarah-Louise!”

*This is me with my ears turning red*

ME: “I can’t help it……..”

MyLadyMother: “Really child…what is the matter with you.”

ME: “I just figured out I was gay at 32 in a bookstore in Kona with my mother.  I think we should celebrate – how about a toaster and a new BMW and more books?”

MyLadyMother: “Just get in the car please. You were gay last week too.”

ME: “Ok, but hand me my book – I need to see if you are in the hazardous marine life book………”

ME:   “You know Mummy I like my life even if you are a barracuda….”

MyLadyMother:  “Sarah-Louise!”

<The End>

Leave a comment »

I’ve always wanted a monkey (this isn’t news…..)

I.LOVE.CAKEWRECKS.COM – I’ve been following them for a while now.
Specifically because of this page..
and because I have always wanted a monkey.  And I swear I wanted one long before I started following Blogess.  It’s because I’m spoiled and I know it.  I got the pony, but I didn’t get the monkey and I really.don’t.need.a.monkey but I.really.want.a.monkey.  I think I’m going to have to settle for a taxidermy monkey.  😐  (Which is kind of neat…)  If you happen to find a lovely taxidermy monkey please send it to me – I’ll send you some coffee in return.
See!  This post has nothing to do with roosters!
2 Comments »