My Life in Paradise

because I only wish I could make this sh*t up…

Recovery ala roosters..

Mr.Monster and I are back in Hawaii.  OK I’m back in Hawaii, this is Monster’s first trip here.  There is good and bad to recovering in Hawaii.  The good is I can go to class and see my friends, the bad is I can’t go flop in the ocean or really do much of anything except be annoyed by the roosters at 6am.  Yeah I know – I’m sure you are crying me a river right?

THERE ARE STILL ROOSTERS HERE!

I know you were wondering and sadly it’s true

The roosters remain, BUT the good news is there are less roosters than before.  Like only 2 which is going to make sending Monster on an annihilation mission much more probable.  Ideally I’d like to get rid of all the roosters and chickens and only have my pretty Bard Rock chickens and ducks.  Oh well – I don’t get to decide as many things as I’d like around here.  (read none!)

So in other news it’s AlohaFriday here and Mr.Monster has abandoned me to my rest bed in favor of using a machete to cut down plants.  It’s been generally agreed upon by MyLadyMother and my Mr.Monster that a vegetable garden is a good idea.  I can’t grow anything except roses and orchids so I mostly wave my hands and my crutches around saying……

“yes”

“very well”

“good plan”

“carry on”

“etc. and so forth”

I did try to do a nosedive down the driveway.  Most of you haven’t seen our driveway – let’s just say a tumble down it would be a ginormous mistake.  Momentous, but still a major mistake.

So I’ll wrap this post up by saying it’s nearly been a year!  The best thing that ever happened to me was my event contract being cancelled and me having to figure out what to do with my life.  I’ve spent a fair amount of time conversing with my dear friend LadyFaceGomez recently about money and happiness and she reminds me as often as I need it that money isn’t happiness.  I am more happy now than last year.  I have love, great friends, ducks, a pony size dog, and 3/4 of an education under my belt.  I sound all zen and shit don’t I?  Well to quote my favorite math professor Mr. B….

Namaste Mother Fucker  🙂

ps – it’s Oktoberfest tonight and if I’m luck I’ll have pictures of Mr.Monster doing the chicken dance!

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A Medical Guide to Hazardous Marine Life………and distractions of the non poultry kind..

So here’s a fun paddling link to watch!  (I like big waves and I can not lie – HomoKiwi you sing with me please!)

I’m not telling you why I’m distracted so let’s just move on!  (It’s probably the roosters keeping me awake…or rivers..it’s the rivers…Either way ONWARD!

HerMajestyMyLadyMother took me to the.most.incredible.bookstore.ever!  Ok so maybe I’m exagerating a little, but it was a warehouse size used bookstore in Hawaii with a fairly good queer section.  As usual everything with HerMajesty is ever an adventure.

ME: “Do you have an LGBT section..” 

CounterLady: “A what?”

ME:  “Gay section – books about gays….”

CounterLady: “Oh yes!  It’s on the far wall…”

ME: “Thank you!”

*This is me wander wander wander wandering around smelling the books.  MyLadyMother handed me a book called A Medical Guide to Hazardous Marine Life -squeeeee-*

CounterLady “Did you find what you were looking for?”

ME: “Oh yes – I thought I was gay before, but I certain I am now..”

*This is the counter lady blinking rapidly while HerMagesty plies me with book purchases*

*This is me wandering out the door after HerMagesty but not without exclaiming I have found another book that is my long lost friend and needs to come home with me!*

MyLadyMother:  “Sarah-Louise!”

*This is me with my ears turning red*

ME: “I can’t help it……..”

MyLadyMother: “Really child…what is the matter with you.”

ME: “I just figured out I was gay at 32 in a bookstore in Kona with my mother.  I think we should celebrate – how about a toaster and a new BMW and more books?”

MyLadyMother: “Just get in the car please. You were gay last week too.”

ME: “Ok, but hand me my book – I need to see if you are in the hazardous marine life book………”

ME:   “You know Mummy I like my life even if you are a barracuda….”

MyLadyMother:  “Sarah-Louise!”

<The End>

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Gardening with HerMajesty…..

When most people garden with their mother they put on cute gloves and don squishy knee protectors and a big hat.  It’s an affair that may or may not need a shower, but will certainly need potting soil and small rose clippers.

Then there is my life in paradise..

HerMajesty appeared in my backyard wearing the most god awful outfit and a belt with knives hanging from it that would scare a seriously seasoned bad ass gangster in Oakland. I will share a photo someday.

Me: Hi Mum!  Muuuuum – mum!!

HerMagesty: “Oh hello darling. Where were you?”

Me: “Sitting at my table doing homework.”

HerMagesty: “That’s nice.”

*rusting of plants, moving of bushes and 10 feet into the jungle she disappears..

HerMagesty: “Sarah – there’s a pathway back here and a pineapple and I take it someone broke this marble paver..”
Me: “Yeah…..it was me – I threw it at a rooster….”

<The End>

PS…. Here’s a picture to prove I’m not insane!  😐

She's scares gangsters in Oakland!

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A Hawaiian vocabulary lesson (or what I did on the 200+ mile round trip to pick up my GlitterBeetle)

So I checked in with Matson and my adorable GlitterBeetle arrived at the port in Hilo 1/11.  Yay!  My gay wheels made it…..secretly I like driving the 4×4…..well I did pick it and it’s a bad ass SUV….anyway..  Here’s a sliver of hilarity from the trip to Hilo and back….

Vocabulary – according to HerMagesty… *please remember the accent for an authentic experience*

NeNe – Hawaiian goose that can’t fly and makes really sweet cooing sounds. Cheeky buggers walked up to the car (and me when I was snapping photos) like they were strolling through to the drive up at McDonalds. I imagine they all talk like Anotonio Banderas and say things like…..

“Hello what do you have for me today? Would you like to take my picture?!” (Yeah I know this is Hawaii and not some latin country – but this is me we are talking about, stop expecting normal!)

Citation – What I get when I give HerMagesty my microbiology flash cards. I was really going for “What’s a cation?” What I got was “A citation is… Sarah-Louise what does this have to do with RN school?”

Neon – A negatively charged ion. See above and insert “anion”.

Other.Things.I.Can’t.Make.Up

Topless.Hawaiian.Midget – no really I saw one scurry across the road.  I had been napping for the 40 previous miles, but even in my groggiest state I can’t dream that up……and there isn’t enough brain bleach in the world..

Rooster – stupid.fucking.wild.poultry and they are not dead yet.

I will get around to posting pictures at some point..

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