My Life in Paradise

because I only wish I could make this sh*t up…

Recovery ala roosters..

Mr.Monster and I are back in Hawaii.  OK I’m back in Hawaii, this is Monster’s first trip here.  There is good and bad to recovering in Hawaii.  The good is I can go to class and see my friends, the bad is I can’t go flop in the ocean or really do much of anything except be annoyed by the roosters at 6am.  Yeah I know – I’m sure you are crying me a river right?


I know you were wondering and sadly it’s true

The roosters remain, BUT the good news is there are less roosters than before.  Like only 2 which is going to make sending Monster on an annihilation mission much more probable.  Ideally I’d like to get rid of all the roosters and chickens and only have my pretty Bard Rock chickens and ducks.  Oh well – I don’t get to decide as many things as I’d like around here.  (read none!)

So in other news it’s AlohaFriday here and Mr.Monster has abandoned me to my rest bed in favor of using a machete to cut down plants.  It’s been generally agreed upon by MyLadyMother and my Mr.Monster that a vegetable garden is a good idea.  I can’t grow anything except roses and orchids so I mostly wave my hands and my crutches around saying……


“very well”

“good plan”

“carry on”

“etc. and so forth”

I did try to do a nosedive down the driveway.  Most of you haven’t seen our driveway – let’s just say a tumble down it would be a ginormous mistake.  Momentous, but still a major mistake.

So I’ll wrap this post up by saying it’s nearly been a year!  The best thing that ever happened to me was my event contract being cancelled and me having to figure out what to do with my life.  I’ve spent a fair amount of time conversing with my dear friend LadyFaceGomez recently about money and happiness and she reminds me as often as I need it that money isn’t happiness.  I am more happy now than last year.  I have love, great friends, ducks, a pony size dog, and 3/4 of an education under my belt.  I sound all zen and shit don’t I?  Well to quote my favorite math professor Mr. B….

Namaste Mother Fucker  🙂

ps – it’s Oktoberfest tonight and if I’m luck I’ll have pictures of Mr.Monster doing the chicken dance!


I have no idea what the %&^* I’m doing….no really I don’t….

Most people have a path.  Some people wander about.  I’m somewhere in between off road, on road, lost and found in a foreign country littered with antiques, broken glass, laughing clown dolls and backwards monkeys.  Said foreign country is often only in my mind or my storage unit both of which are significantly disorganized.  When I feel like I have no north star I re-read my favorite post by TheBloggess.

EXCERPT: But what’s nice is that instead of feeling like a failure for falling backward into life, I woke up this morning feeling better…for choosing to dive in – albeit backward, eyes closed, chaotically, and possibly into broken glass or hyenas.  I think that’s called “growth”.  Or denial.  Hard to tell.

So this morning I didn’t feel better about my life, but rereading Bloggess I did/do feel less alone.  I didn’t feel better about coffee, a bagel, or the two sections of pharmacology I finished.  I didn’t feel better that after how many years in school I’ve made so many left turns I feel hardly closer to my goal even though I am closer.  Denial?  Growth? Adulthood? Taco Salad?  How’s that for a blog post of nothing and everything that will only make sense 5 years from now when my diplomas are in hand and I’m working in a clinic doing things and stuff and such..  So here I am diving in backwards -again-.

<the end of less interesting reading that a garbage disposal installation guide>

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Roosters Love Orchids! – kind of like the Nissan commercial Dogs Love Trucks only less amusing…

😐  We’ll start with that face…..  😐  again just to make sure it’s understood that I am not a happy monkey.  Oh and here is the Dogs Love Trucks commercial in case you have no idea what I’m talking about because you should, it was funny!

So back to my unhappiness…….The stupid roosters have decided that in retaliation for rock throwing in my underwear (again) they are going to terrorize my orchids.

-asshole poultry-

So far they have left the baby orchids and the grown up orchids alone.  They seem to like knocking over my juvenile orchids best.  Stupid roosters, I can take out their kids and their little white dogs to you know!  Someone hand me my broomstick!

My friend DiverDan has located me a pink slingshot since Cabelas failed me!  He’ll be sending that soon I hope….  HINT HINT HINT!!!.

Side note: I had a pink leopard broom, but my SuperBitchHouseMateFromHell has it.  It would have matched the pink slingshot really well.  As it is I’m going to need some pink underwear for this next phase of rooster irradication.

In yet further rooster adventures I was questioned by my FairyGodMother as to if I was really actually going to kill the roosters.  What do you think I’m going to do?  😐

So now I must go back to googling for deep sea microbes and sexy underwear. (The underwear is NOT for the roosters!!)

So tiny and so sweet!

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Death Cock…… loud…..

Death Metal Rooster…..  Just click the linky.  You won’t thank me, but I’ll thank you.

The above bit of goodness is brought to me by my god brother.  He is without a doubt TheMostGorgeousManUnder30 and thankfully he knows it, I know it and when I get to go to lunch with him and all the girls stare me down.  Hahaha I win!  Look I don’t get to win against Barbie very often….so I take what I can get!!

(He’s not gay……HomoKiwi I already know what you are thinking….I know sad HomoKiwi…)

TheMostGorgeousManUnder30 also happens to be really smart and equally if not more snarky than his older, not so wiser, sister.  And hence I am graced with roosters with billy clubs, satan living in Scotland and Death Metal Rooster….

PS – Did I mention he’s going to be a Dr. and keep me young.forever.and.ever.and.ever!!!

PPS – He’s single.  But I have to approve and I’m unlikely to approve of anyone.  Except someone snarkier than me or brave enough to send me Death Cocks..  The feathered kind.  Not that the other kind can’t be feathered..  But they shouldn’t be – at least not unless that is your fetish and there is after all Rule 34.

it appears my favorite Rule34 comic from xkcd has gone missing.  sorry!




note cards, microbiology, and REDRUM…

So here I sit.  Nice view of the ocean.  Birds chirping.  Doing my homework like a good femme should.  I’m in the middle of writing a note card about the 4 nucleotides of DNA and I start writing like I’m possessed by a demon….  *insert nails on chalkboard sound please…*

I’m not possessed.  Really, I’m not.  Just ask…..  Oh forget it don’t ask anyone just take my word for it for fucks sake!   The roosters have triangulated around the house and decided to crow back and forth like I can only imagine nice little yodelers do on pristine mountain tops in Switzerland.  I’m not in the Swiss Alps in case you aren’t following along to where I am.. and I might feel insane is surrounded by yodelers ask me when I’m trying to do homework in the Swiss Alps..  No wait – don’t ask me..  I’ll have thrown my cell phone down the mountain face and gone skiing naked…..  As I was saying!!


If not – let me remind you.  My nice friendly, fluffy, what a fierce femme does in Hawaii for 1.5 years blog has become my rampage against poultry in particular wild.fucking.roosters.

So I made up this ditty to amuse myself while scribbling REDRUM over and over again on my notecards.  ((Gah – technology you hosebeast..  Don’t put this post up before I’m done!!  Ok along again..))  Sing this to “How Much Is That Dog In The Window” while thinking…. about how much I want the roosters to expire..

  • Oh when oh when will my slingshot come?
  • Oh when oh when will it arrive?
  • With their stupid feathery tails and their stupid ugly beaks I’m going to make sure they all die!

Yes I really ordered a slingshot.  My favoritest Geek in the Midwest found me a slingshot with metal ammo.  Have I mentioned I love geeks and this one in particular?  I’ll post details on the slingshot later..  No I’m not sharing the Geek..  He’s married and not to me!!

So until I have dead roosters to show you just imagine me strung out over a rooster or 4.  Not finals, not what do I wear, not omg I have a date..  Roosters…  4 of them..  And they are holding me hostage..  In Hawaii..  With a nice view..  And fresh fruit……

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Things I bet you didn’t know about Hawaii…..

a) It’s cold here.  Like fall in N. California cold– in the morning and since I  have, as quickly as possible, acclimatized to – the weather this AM sucked.  (I wrote this post under 2 blankets with my ugly UofT sweatshirt on.) Go Longhorns! Whatever else you make a great ugly ass pajama hoody..

b) Everyone really is nice.  It’s not just a tourist commercial.  Seriously.

c) Poultry are everywhere.  Wild and obnoxious poultry.  I’m waiting on a slingshot from Cabelas then it’s on like donkey kong.  (I interrupted writing this message from AlohaLand  to go throw rocks at the stupid roosters.)

d) Chasing roosters – it’s easy to get up the lava rock hill – it’s less easy to get down the lava rock hill.  Thank god no one else was awake because about the time I started down the hill I realized it was god o’clock in the am and I was in flipflops, a UofT hoody and  my underpants had the words “SPANK ME” emblazoned across my ass.

y) Everything here comes down to my disdain for roosters going off at midnight, 2am and 6:46am.

z) I want a monkey, but this isn’t new to me being in Hawaii……..


Is this thing on?

*tap tap*

Gooooooooooooood moooooooooooooorning Vietnam..  No wait Hawaii..  I’m in Hawaii.  Proof of this is the obnoxious roosters that have done their level best to wake me up starting December 26, 2011.  The couldn’t have woken me up on December 25th because I arrived in Hawaii awake.  I know neat trick of mine huh?

So here are the deets for the 999th time.  I’m in Hawaii you know, the chain of islands 2400 miles from anywhere that people love to come to on vacation…  Yeah I moved here.  For school.  On Christmas Day.  I live on a coffee farm in Captain Cook…. With 4 obnoxious roosters, a metric ton of hens (who annoy me muuuuch less than the roosters), 2 dogs, 5+ cats, oh and MyLadyMother aka HerMajesty and her husband my StepBob and a view of the ocean – a lot of ocean….

Can’t be all bad right?  Well….  Ask me in another 15 days!  For now – sit back, buckle up and hold onto your Richard Simmons videos – this is my life!