My Life in Paradise

because I only wish I could make this sh*t up…

Looking forward…..

I started this blog just shy of 3 years ago when I moved to Hawaii.  So much has gone on and changed.Holy crap.  I did what I set out to do, I applied for and was accepted to RN school even with a few detours along the way like love, loss, nearly dying and nearly marriage (again). Oh and I moved to Australia 2 days ago.

On marriage: Every once in a while (every 5 or so years) I think that being normal (which I have said is a cycle on a dishwasher since I was 13) is a good idea.  It’s not.  I’m a terrible spouse.  Selfish, driven, chaotic and a bitch in the AM all describe me. Hopefully this last round of white picket fence-ism is the last.

Let's not and not say I did.

Let’s not and not say I did.

Ps – I didn’t accept my offer to RN school. Instead I’m perusing a degree in biomedical science, genetic counseling and molecular biology.

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I read because…

….words will rip themselves from the page and be embedded in my brain…

“What I wanted to do was to fasten my index finger and thumb at the bolts of your collar bone, push out, spread the web of my hand until it caught against your throat. You asked me if I wanted to strangle you. No, I wanted to fit you, not just in the obvious ways but in so many indentations.”

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Hey Y’all Watch This! aka I’m in the kitchen again..

The humorous and painful (literally) life of a girl who can’t cook living with a chef.

Last night I’m heating up side dishes for dinner. Microwave 3 minutes. Ding! Thank you Safeway. (It’s Friday shushy) and I think “hmm wonder of the mashed potatoes are warm”.

I stick my finger in and they are really really really really hot, stuck to my finger and burning. “Owieeeeee” and I look up and Jess is leaning on the counter grinning.

Here comes the sympathy! . (You’d think!)


Monster says “those types of things stick to skin and burn like hell.”

me: “You didn’t think to warn me?”

Monster: “Nope, it’s funny to watch”

Me: “Yeah thanks, all I can see now is a neon sign over your head when I walk in the kitchen. It says “hey y’all watch this and has an arrow pointing to me!”

Monster: “Pretty much”

Me: “That really burned”

Monster: “Yeap..”

Below is what happened when I made myself scrambled eggs last week….I’ll stick with Starbucks…


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I won… Say it.. I won.. I won…

Anyone who knows me knows I know every word there is to know from the movie Tank Girl.  At one point in my young life I wanted the comic book version tattooed on my body.  I’ve since grown up and realize that missile boobs are going to crash and look like deflated balloons in the next 19 years or so.

But I did win, or at least I think I did.  I’m getting married.  The girl “who would never get married” is getting married.  Setting the date made it a little real, sending in the venue contract made it a whole lot more real.  This is a happy kind of real and a reminder to start blogging more lest I forget the funny and important parts of planning this monumental event.

  • Venue – done
  • Hair and makeup – done
  • Dress – flying to California soon
  • 100,000,000 other things?  still.not.done

Whatever – the point is for all of this to be fun.  There have been days even recently that I was a crying mess because I thought a wedding was just going to be a disaster and that I should go live under a banana leaf in Thailand.  (Why Thailand?  I have a backyard full of banana trees so I clearly wasn’t being rational….not news…)  I have LadyFace and LadyFairy and a very bold Dragon on my side to continually say “is that what you really want?” and it works.  They are amazing.

It’s going to be fun, it’s going to be fine.  My most favorite people ever will be here, the whales will be migrating and everything else is just extra.  I plan to spend an inordinant amount of time the week before making things with LadyFace while drinking fruity drinks and wearing Hello Kitty pajamas because that’s what I want.  My invites have skulls and octopus on them, because I want them too.

Somewhere during the growing up thing I’ve been doing was realizing I get to have the life, the wedding, the fiance, the car, the education THAT I WANT TO HAVE – not what’s been dictated by other people.  So yay, I’m spoiled – not news.


The problem with 501c3’s…….

The video says it all.

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Southern Politics….or….Southern Politics

Yeap ok we all know I went and did it..  I fell in love with another human and agreed to get married..’ and at some point in the next 48 hours I’ll order our Save The Date cards and some very cute personalized thank you notes with both our names on them!!  My/our Christmas cards went out with both our last names on them.  My subscription to Saveur magazine came with what will be my last name this time next year in front of my name.  It’s all little freaky and at first I went who the fuck……oh….that’s me….in a year….  I even set a date!  That was a huge step honestly.

Love conked me on the head in rural south east Virginia.  Virginia is a beautiful state with an variety of people from liberal allies to omg KKK conservatives.  I love our home in the South.  It’s 200+ years old, the garden is huge and I have my own bathroom with wainscoting and at least 20 towels.  I do miss living there.  I miss the warm nights on the porch and I miss some of our kookey neighbors.  I don’t miss the relative isolation from queer community, being 5000 miles from my parents and close friends or being 2500 miles from my California friends.  I know Hawaii is 2500 miles from California, but somehow I feel closer in Hawaii than in Virginia.

I swear I’m getting to the point!

Lately the South has been in the news a lot mostly for not so good things.  In Mississippi the first out gay mayoral candidate was murdered in what can only be described as a horrific hate crime.  Mississippi was also harangued for it’s voters rights or lack there of.  The usual suspects of Virginia politics were being dumbshits.  Delegate C. Todd Gilbert’s  refused to acknowledge LGBT oppression and the State of Virginia did not pass a bill protecting the states LGBT employees.

A colleague and dear friend of mine known fondly as Our.Gay.Boyfriend, pointed out something that stopped me in my tracks.  I was literally about to put a piece of Mr.Monster’s incredible chicken curry in my mouth and had to put my fork down.  NOTE: Our.Gay.Boyfriend was born and raised in Mississippi and many times has been my cultural advisor on everything Southern that I still don’t understand like pimento cheese..  WTF!

“You know, change the accent and the state and everything that people are so shocked about from the South happens in just as many other states.”

(The.Our.Gay.Boyfriend is also my fiance Mr.Monster’s secret husband, funny story I’ll tell it some other time.)

He’s right.  Racism, classism, homophobia and sexism happen in California, New York, Montana, Florida and just about every other state.  I’m not sure if the south has a more concentrated number of assholes or if we as a society like to pick on them for their accents.  I might even go as far as to say I think if you add up all the liberal towns in the South it’s more liberal than Montana.  California has a very conservative red center.  In Nevada Las Vegas is actually more conservative than Reno.  Oregon is quite conservative especially eastern Oregon.  Only two voting districts in Florida are considered Democratic.

There are many southerners in my life all of whom are pretty liberal and very few of who still live in the South.

When I say many I mean:

  • my fiance
  • my father (not my step-dad and not so liberal)
  • three of my closest friends (one whom died earlier this year, but he’s still around commenting on my life from time to time with his laid back drawl.  I love you UnkleMike and I miss you so very much.)
  • several colleagues
  • a plethora of acquaintances

So it’s late and this post is a little disjointed, but what I think my point is, is that while we can make generalizations about certain geographic locations (the South) it is important to look beyond the assumptions.  There are good people in the South doing great social justice work.  Whole town are coming together to take a stand against homophobia, like the tiny town in Appalachian Kentucky that passed a gay rights law, Covington, Lexington and Louisville have similar laws.   A couple of dear friends of mine LadySnow and Grant are very active in Jacksonville advocating for LGBT rights and there have been wins.  Like it or not the South is changing. What are we going to have to say when the South comes all the way around and equality for minorities is the norm there?  People have the capacity to change, even Southerners, they just do it one at a time.



Take all you want…..but eat all you take……

I wasn’t an overweight child.  I wasn’t an overweight teen either.  But when I was eight, while on a trip to Australia, it was impressed upon me by my Australian grandparents that I could take all I wanted at meals, but I had to eat it all…….and you didn’t argue with them….ever…and those words stuck like glue!

Somewhere in my early adulthood I started to gain and lose 100lbs at a time.  My weight never stopped me from rock climbing, dating, dancing, combative show jumping, dressage, ranching, muay thai, savate, traveling or anything else.  And then it did…… my late 20’s I went from a 12 to a 20….in my early 30’s I went to a 22……this year I hit 24….and no one stopped loving me but me….but lemme tell ya when I decided to be an asshole to myself I was meaner that I’d ever been to anyone in my life…..

……and I stopped allowing photos of me….  I argued with people who have loved me from size 14-24 that I was no longer beautiful or sexy….  Getting engaged added it’s own dread because if I hated myself in the mirror, I was going to hate myself in my wedding pictures… and weddings are too fucking expensive to hate myself at!! So I decided something had to be done!  No idea what, but something!

Last week or was it the week before?  Irrelevant…  I was in therapy and we were discussing my thoughts on weight loss surgery…  WLS has been wildly successful for everyone I know, but something has been holding me back….  I could get weight loss surgery, but a surgery doesn’t deal with my food coping mechanism now does it?  NOPE!

So therapy goes on and all of a sudden the light goes on….the times I’ve been thin(ish) I didn’t have a compulsion to eat under stress…. why is that?  Because I was exercising regularly and the exercise took care of the stress part!  DUH why hadn’t I thought of that?  I immediately texted my brother ( with my revelation and to paraphrase it his response was “DUH” said with much more care.  He’s been trying to tell me this since before my knee surgery, I just wasn’t listening.

So enter CoachJ my new swim coach.  I meet with her 3-4 times a week and next week or the week after I have to start dragging myself to the pool by myself.  Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately)  even if I offered her a small fortune she won’t let me get reliant on only swimming with her poolside.

So I’ve been swimming twice this week and guess what disappeared   My desire to eat when I’m not hungry.  The cokes have disappeared from the house, replaced by bottles of water.  (Leave off the enviro rant please – our tap water is NASTY, even a Britta doesn’t help)  Today after swimming I went to Costco for glasses and I was starving when I left so I grabbed a slice of pizza – yummm…….and I didn’t eat it all, I didn’t have to forcefully stop myself I just looked down and thought “huh I’m done” and wouldn’t you know it Grandma Joan’s voice popped into my head…..luckily it popped right out again as I tossed my pizza and wandered back to my car..

This isn’t meant to be an anti-fat post or an anti-weight loss post.  I have to lose weight or I’ll be in a wheel chair..  My knees and my psyche demand change, if yours don’t then don’t.  Love yourself where you are at and for the amazing who that you are.

Oh and read this blog post.

The post made me realize that if I disappeared tomorrow there would be 1000’s of pictures I’ve taken and only a handful of me, none of them with the people I love most.  (Yeah Ladyface that means we are getting pictures together before my wedding so put on your spanks babe!)

<the end.>

(or maybe the beginning)

!!!!be gleeful!!!

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I have no idea what the %&^* I’m doing….no really I don’t….

Most people have a path.  Some people wander about.  I’m somewhere in between off road, on road, lost and found in a foreign country littered with antiques, broken glass, laughing clown dolls and backwards monkeys.  Said foreign country is often only in my mind or my storage unit both of which are significantly disorganized.  When I feel like I have no north star I re-read my favorite post by TheBloggess.

EXCERPT: But what’s nice is that instead of feeling like a failure for falling backward into life, I woke up this morning feeling better…for choosing to dive in – albeit backward, eyes closed, chaotically, and possibly into broken glass or hyenas.  I think that’s called “growth”.  Or denial.  Hard to tell.

So this morning I didn’t feel better about my life, but rereading Bloggess I did/do feel less alone.  I didn’t feel better about coffee, a bagel, or the two sections of pharmacology I finished.  I didn’t feel better that after how many years in school I’ve made so many left turns I feel hardly closer to my goal even though I am closer.  Denial?  Growth? Adulthood? Taco Salad?  How’s that for a blog post of nothing and everything that will only make sense 5 years from now when my diplomas are in hand and I’m working in a clinic doing things and stuff and such..  So here I am diving in backwards -again-.

<the end of less interesting reading that a garbage disposal installation guide>

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I want to be this lady when I grow up!!

Yeah so I’m already kinda grown up, but I stumbled across the blog of a woman who has been to 33 countries and has no plans on stopping.  YES PLEASE!!  (minus the pregnant part because we allllll know I’m Mommy Dearest material and the world doesn’t need more wire hanger scenes)

At the moment for a couple of reasons my travel is limited to frequent trips back to California.  Is it the 16th yet?!?!?! BUT upon graduation –

So here is my hit list.  The top 5 places I want to see or see again!

  1. Europe – this trip is in the budding stage.  Ideally I’ll go summer 2013 before RN school.
  2. Scotland – I have an overwhelming desire to go to Scotland again, but this time with  TheHandsomestManUnder30.  I have a feeling my brother and I will get into enough trouble that someone will have to bail us out.  ET Phone Home!
  3. India – I.Just.Want.To.Shop
  4. Africa – I’m fairly certain there is an AIDS project with my name on it in Africa
  5. Galapagos – I need to find out if they have a monkey for me.

I will not be traveling with roosters or to anywhere that advertises having poultry as some kind of country delight.  I’m fine without fresh eggs thanks.



A Medical Guide to Hazardous Marine Life………and distractions of the non poultry kind..

So here’s a fun paddling link to watch!  (I like big waves and I can not lie – HomoKiwi you sing with me please!)

I’m not telling you why I’m distracted so let’s just move on!  (It’s probably the roosters keeping me awake…or’s the rivers…Either way ONWARD!

HerMajestyMyLadyMother took me to the.most.incredible.bookstore.ever!  Ok so maybe I’m exagerating a little, but it was a warehouse size used bookstore in Hawaii with a fairly good queer section.  As usual everything with HerMajesty is ever an adventure.

ME: “Do you have an LGBT section..” 

CounterLady: “A what?”

ME:  “Gay section – books about gays….”

CounterLady: “Oh yes!  It’s on the far wall…”

ME: “Thank you!”

*This is me wander wander wander wandering around smelling the books.  MyLadyMother handed me a book called A Medical Guide to Hazardous Marine Life -squeeeee-*

CounterLady “Did you find what you were looking for?”

ME: “Oh yes – I thought I was gay before, but I certain I am now..”

*This is the counter lady blinking rapidly while HerMagesty plies me with book purchases*

*This is me wandering out the door after HerMagesty but not without exclaiming I have found another book that is my long lost friend and needs to come home with me!*

MyLadyMother:  “Sarah-Louise!”

*This is me with my ears turning red*

ME: “I can’t help it……..”

MyLadyMother: “Really child…what is the matter with you.”

ME: “I just figured out I was gay at 32 in a bookstore in Kona with my mother.  I think we should celebrate – how about a toaster and a new BMW and more books?”

MyLadyMother: “Just get in the car please. You were gay last week too.”

ME: “Ok, but hand me my book – I need to see if you are in the hazardous marine life book………”

ME:   “You know Mummy I like my life even if you are a barracuda….”

MyLadyMother:  “Sarah-Louise!”

<The End>

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