My Life in Paradise

because I only wish I could make this sh*t up…

Looking forward…..

I started this blog just shy of 3 years ago when I moved to Hawaii.  So much has gone on and changed.Holy crap.  I did what I set out to do, I applied for and was accepted to RN school even with a few detours along the way like love, loss, nearly dying and nearly marriage (again). Oh and I moved to Australia 2 days ago.

On marriage: Every once in a while (every 5 or so years) I think that being normal (which I have said is a cycle on a dishwasher since I was 13) is a good idea.  It’s not.  I’m a terrible spouse.  Selfish, driven, chaotic and a bitch in the AM all describe me. Hopefully this last round of white picket fence-ism is the last.

Let's not and not say I did.

Let’s not and not say I did.

Ps – I didn’t accept my offer to RN school. Instead I’m perusing a degree in biomedical science, genetic counseling and molecular biology.

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I read because…

….words will rip themselves from the page and be embedded in my brain…

“What I wanted to do was to fasten my index finger and thumb at the bolts of your collar bone, push out, spread the web of my hand until it caught against your throat. You asked me if I wanted to strangle you. No, I wanted to fit you, not just in the obvious ways but in so many indentations.”

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I won… Say it.. I won.. I won…

Anyone who knows me knows I know every word there is to know from the movie Tank Girl.  At one point in my young life I wanted the comic book version tattooed on my body.  I’ve since grown up and realize that missile boobs are going to crash and look like deflated balloons in the next 19 years or so.

But I did win, or at least I think I did.  I’m getting married.  The girl “who would never get married” is getting married.  Setting the date made it a little real, sending in the venue contract made it a whole lot more real.  This is a happy kind of real and a reminder to start blogging more lest I forget the funny and important parts of planning this monumental event.

  • Venue – done
  • Hair and makeup – done
  • Dress – flying to California soon
  • 100,000,000 other things?  still.not.done

Whatever – the point is for all of this to be fun.  There have been days even recently that I was a crying mess because I thought a wedding was just going to be a disaster and that I should go live under a banana leaf in Thailand.  (Why Thailand?  I have a backyard full of banana trees so I clearly wasn’t being rational….not news…)  I have LadyFace and LadyFairy and a very bold Dragon on my side to continually say “is that what you really want?” and it works.  They are amazing.

It’s going to be fun, it’s going to be fine.  My most favorite people ever will be here, the whales will be migrating and everything else is just extra.  I plan to spend an inordinant amount of time the week before making things with LadyFace while drinking fruity drinks and wearing Hello Kitty pajamas because that’s what I want.  My invites have skulls and octopus on them, because I want them too.

Somewhere during the growing up thing I’ve been doing was realizing I get to have the life, the wedding, the fiance, the car, the education THAT I WANT TO HAVE – not what’s been dictated by other people.  So yay, I’m spoiled – not news.

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Take all you want…..but eat all you take……

I wasn’t an overweight child.  I wasn’t an overweight teen either.  But when I was eight, while on a trip to Australia, it was impressed upon me by my Australian grandparents that I could take all I wanted at meals, but I had to eat it all…….and you didn’t argue with them….ever…and those words stuck like glue!

Somewhere in my early adulthood I started to gain and lose 100lbs at a time.  My weight never stopped me from rock climbing, dating, dancing, combative show jumping, dressage, ranching, muay thai, savate, traveling or anything else.  And then it did……..in my late 20’s I went from a 12 to a 20….in my early 30’s I went to a 22……this year I hit 24….and no one stopped loving me but me….but lemme tell ya when I decided to be an asshole to myself I was meaner that I’d ever been to anyone in my life…..

……and I stopped allowing photos of me….  I argued with people who have loved me from size 14-24 that I was no longer beautiful or sexy….  Getting engaged added it’s own dread because if I hated myself in the mirror, I was going to hate myself in my wedding pictures… and weddings are too fucking expensive to hate myself at!! So I decided something had to be done!  No idea what, but something!

Last week or was it the week before?  Irrelevant…  I was in therapy and we were discussing my thoughts on weight loss surgery…  WLS has been wildly successful for everyone I know, but something has been holding me back….  I could get weight loss surgery, but a surgery doesn’t deal with my food coping mechanism now does it?  NOPE!

So therapy goes on and all of a sudden the light goes on….the times I’ve been thin(ish) I didn’t have a compulsion to eat under stress…. why is that?  Because I was exercising regularly and the exercise took care of the stress part!  DUH why hadn’t I thought of that?  I immediately texted my brother (the.most.handsome.man.under.30) with my revelation and to paraphrase it his response was “DUH” said with much more care.  He’s been trying to tell me this since before my knee surgery, I just wasn’t listening.

So enter CoachJ my new swim coach.  I meet with her 3-4 times a week and next week or the week after I have to start dragging myself to the pool by myself.  Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately)  even if I offered her a small fortune she won’t let me get reliant on only swimming with her poolside.

So I’ve been swimming twice this week and guess what disappeared   My desire to eat when I’m not hungry.  The cokes have disappeared from the house, replaced by bottles of water.  (Leave off the enviro rant please – our tap water is NASTY, even a Britta doesn’t help)  Today after swimming I went to Costco for glasses and I was starving when I left so I grabbed a slice of pizza – yummm…….and I didn’t eat it all, I didn’t have to forcefully stop myself I just looked down and thought “huh I’m done” and wouldn’t you know it Grandma Joan’s voice popped into my head…..luckily it popped right out again as I tossed my pizza and wandered back to my car..

This isn’t meant to be an anti-fat post or an anti-weight loss post.  I have to lose weight or I’ll be in a wheel chair..  My knees and my psyche demand change, if yours don’t then don’t.  Love yourself where you are at and for the amazing who that you are.

Oh and read this blog post.

The post made me realize that if I disappeared tomorrow there would be 1000’s of pictures I’ve taken and only a handful of me, none of them with the people I love most.  (Yeah Ladyface that means we are getting pictures together before my wedding so put on your spanks babe!)

<the end.>

(or maybe the beginning)

!!!!be gleeful!!!

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I have no idea what the %&^* I’m doing….no really I don’t….

Most people have a path.  Some people wander about.  I’m somewhere in between off road, on road, lost and found in a foreign country littered with antiques, broken glass, laughing clown dolls and backwards monkeys.  Said foreign country is often only in my mind or my storage unit both of which are significantly disorganized.  When I feel like I have no north star I re-read my favorite post by TheBloggess.

EXCERPT: But what’s nice is that instead of feeling like a failure for falling backward into life, I woke up this morning feeling better…for choosing to dive in – albeit backward, eyes closed, chaotically, and possibly into broken glass or hyenas.  I think that’s called “growth”.  Or denial.  Hard to tell.

So this morning I didn’t feel better about my life, but rereading Bloggess I did/do feel less alone.  I didn’t feel better about coffee, a bagel, or the two sections of pharmacology I finished.  I didn’t feel better that after how many years in school I’ve made so many left turns I feel hardly closer to my goal even though I am closer.  Denial?  Growth? Adulthood? Taco Salad?  How’s that for a blog post of nothing and everything that will only make sense 5 years from now when my diplomas are in hand and I’m working in a clinic doing things and stuff and such..  So here I am diving in backwards -again-.

<the end of less interesting reading that a garbage disposal installation guide>

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I want to be this lady when I grow up!!

Yeah so I’m already kinda grown up, but I stumbled across the blog of a woman who has been to 33 countries and has no plans on stopping.  YES PLEASE!!  (minus the pregnant part because we allllll know I’m Mommy Dearest material and the world doesn’t need more wire hanger scenes)

At the moment for a couple of reasons my travel is limited to frequent trips back to California.  Is it the 16th yet?!?!?! BUT upon graduation – that.has.to.change.

So here is my hit list.  The top 5 places I want to see or see again!

  1. Europe – this trip is in the budding stage.  Ideally I’ll go summer 2013 before RN school.
  2. Scotland – I have an overwhelming desire to go to Scotland again, but this time with  TheHandsomestManUnder30.  I have a feeling my brother and I will get into enough trouble that someone will have to bail us out.  ET Phone Home!
  3. India – I.Just.Want.To.Shop
  4. Africa – I’m fairly certain there is an AIDS project with my name on it in Africa
  5. Galapagos – I need to find out if they have a monkey for me.

I will not be traveling with roosters or to anywhere that advertises having poultry as some kind of country delight.  I’m fine without fresh eggs thanks.

😐

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I’ve always wanted a monkey (this isn’t news…..)

I.LOVE.CAKEWRECKS.COM – I’ve been following them for a while now.
Specifically because of this page..
and because I have always wanted a monkey.  And I swear I wanted one long before I started following Blogess.  It’s because I’m spoiled and I know it.  I got the pony, but I didn’t get the monkey and I really.don’t.need.a.monkey but I.really.want.a.monkey.  I think I’m going to have to settle for a taxidermy monkey.  😐  (Which is kind of neat…)  If you happen to find a lovely taxidermy monkey please send it to me – I’ll send you some coffee in return.
See!  This post has nothing to do with roosters!
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Whale shit is bigger than coconuts….. and I’m back to paddling!

There are only a few people in my life who have any idea what I’m talking about when I blather on about paddling.  So go here to 2:34 to see what I’m talking about.

Soooo about the only reason I want to get up at god-o-clock in the morning in paradise is to paddle, let’s just be really clear..  (This post is NOT an invitation to call me at christ’o’clock. I won’t like you very much if you do!)

I woke up 10 minutes before the roosters would have rousted me..  That’s 5:45 HST or 7:45PST or 1:45EST or 6:45 NZTime…. Yeah I have a thing with clocks lately – mostly because EVERYONE wants to know what.time.it.is.in.Hawaii….

Anyway – ass crack of dawn – you know before the sun is even up and I’m zooming down the road in my glitter beetle with the tunes turned up. ..  I’m heading 20 minutes south to Keauhou Bay and paddling with the geriatric snow birds.  (Who by the way kick ass harder than most of the mainland practice sessions I’ve been a part of!!)

Weeeehaaaw off I go into the water inappropriately dressed.  Cotton sucks when it’s wet and my paddle and rash guards are not in Hawaii- yet so I suffer through the minor indignities of looking like a total newb.  I’m also 40lbs heavier than the last time I sat in a canoe.  Not the happiest moment of my life.  *cry*

And then the sunrise starts……  After a 40 minute paddle we stop..  I look up and there’s the sun rising in all it’s glory over the volcano.  I wanted to cry – I still want to cry every time I head out on the water.  How lucky am I that I watch the sun rise from the ocean 3 days a week.  I am so incredibly luck (roosters aside) to get to spend time studying in Hawaii.  Even if I miss my friends and family – the glory of the sunrise makes up for a hell of a lot.    Oh and I can’t hear a single rooster when I’m out paddling.

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Here’s your clue about me for free…….

Here’s your clue about me for free…….

Reason # 1 I fall up the stairs….never usually down..that hurts more and is too Scarlett O’hara for me..  When I want to channel Scarlett – I’ll do it right…

Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.

Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.

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Is this thing on?

*tap tap*

Gooooooooooooood moooooooooooooorning Vietnam..  No wait Hawaii..  I’m in Hawaii.  Proof of this is the obnoxious roosters that have done their level best to wake me up every.god.damn.day starting December 26, 2011.  The couldn’t have woken me up on December 25th because I arrived in Hawaii awake.  I know neat trick of mine huh?

So here are the deets for the 999th time.  I’m in Hawaii you know, the chain of islands 2400 miles from anywhere that people love to come to on vacation…  Yeah I moved here.  For school.  On Christmas Day.  I live on a coffee farm in Captain Cook…. With 4 obnoxious roosters, a metric ton of hens (who annoy me muuuuch less than the roosters), 2 dogs, 5+ cats, oh and MyLadyMother aka HerMajesty and her husband my StepBob and a view of the ocean – a lot of ocean….

Can’t be all bad right?  Well….  Ask me in another 15 days!  For now – sit back, buckle up and hold onto your Richard Simmons videos – this is my life!

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