My Life in Paradise

because I only wish I could make this sh*t up…

Something – something – learn to fly…. wtf?



Somewhere between the life I thought I would have and the life I do have are a lot of old dreams.  Some were flights of fancy and others are things I should have done.  I find myself with more questions than answers just like everyone else.  There are metric tonne of books written about finding yourself and following your dreams.  I have 20+ of them along with a book about the heart of buddha written by a former punk and junkie.  

Yeah no.  I think this sums it up best.  

I stare agape at Sunday-in-the-park couples. Sidewalk strollers, fingers-laced, heads-on-shoulders, hearts laid bare. Audacious highwire artists, soaring netless… oblivious or brave. Arrogant idiots, I muse from my spectator view, hoping no one hears the screaming inside my head.

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I won… Say it.. I won.. I won…

Anyone who knows me knows I know every word there is to know from the movie Tank Girl.  At one point in my young life I wanted the comic book version tattooed on my body.  I’ve since grown up and realize that missile boobs are going to crash and look like deflated balloons in the next 19 years or so.

But I did win, or at least I think I did.  I’m getting married.  The girl “who would never get married” is getting married.  Setting the date made it a little real, sending in the venue contract made it a whole lot more real.  This is a happy kind of real and a reminder to start blogging more lest I forget the funny and important parts of planning this monumental event.

  • Venue – done
  • Hair and makeup – done
  • Dress – flying to California soon
  • 100,000,000 other things?  still.not.done

Whatever – the point is for all of this to be fun.  There have been days even recently that I was a crying mess because I thought a wedding was just going to be a disaster and that I should go live under a banana leaf in Thailand.  (Why Thailand?  I have a backyard full of banana trees so I clearly wasn’t being rational….not news…)  I have LadyFace and LadyFairy and a very bold Dragon on my side to continually say “is that what you really want?” and it works.  They are amazing.

It’s going to be fun, it’s going to be fine.  My most favorite people ever will be here, the whales will be migrating and everything else is just extra.  I plan to spend an inordinant amount of time the week before making things with LadyFace while drinking fruity drinks and wearing Hello Kitty pajamas because that’s what I want.  My invites have skulls and octopus on them, because I want them too.

Somewhere during the growing up thing I’ve been doing was realizing I get to have the life, the wedding, the fiance, the car, the education THAT I WANT TO HAVE – not what’s been dictated by other people.  So yay, I’m spoiled – not news.


Southern Politics….or….Southern Politics

Yeap ok we all know I went and did it..  I fell in love with another human and agreed to get married..’ and at some point in the next 48 hours I’ll order our Save The Date cards and some very cute personalized thank you notes with both our names on them!!  My/our Christmas cards went out with both our last names on them.  My subscription to Saveur magazine came with what will be my last name this time next year in front of my name.  It’s all little freaky and at first I went who the fuck……oh….that’s me….in a year….  I even set a date!  That was a huge step honestly.

Love conked me on the head in rural south east Virginia.  Virginia is a beautiful state with an variety of people from liberal allies to omg KKK conservatives.  I love our home in the South.  It’s 200+ years old, the garden is huge and I have my own bathroom with wainscoting and at least 20 towels.  I do miss living there.  I miss the warm nights on the porch and I miss some of our kookey neighbors.  I don’t miss the relative isolation from queer community, being 5000 miles from my parents and close friends or being 2500 miles from my California friends.  I know Hawaii is 2500 miles from California, but somehow I feel closer in Hawaii than in Virginia.

I swear I’m getting to the point!

Lately the South has been in the news a lot mostly for not so good things.  In Mississippi the first out gay mayoral candidate was murdered in what can only be described as a horrific hate crime.  Mississippi was also harangued for it’s voters rights or lack there of.  The usual suspects of Virginia politics were being dumbshits.  Delegate C. Todd Gilbert’s  refused to acknowledge LGBT oppression and the State of Virginia did not pass a bill protecting the states LGBT employees.

A colleague and dear friend of mine known fondly as Our.Gay.Boyfriend, pointed out something that stopped me in my tracks.  I was literally about to put a piece of Mr.Monster’s incredible chicken curry in my mouth and had to put my fork down.  NOTE: Our.Gay.Boyfriend was born and raised in Mississippi and many times has been my cultural advisor on everything Southern that I still don’t understand like pimento cheese..  WTF!

“You know, change the accent and the state and everything that people are so shocked about from the South happens in just as many other states.”

(The.Our.Gay.Boyfriend is also my fiance Mr.Monster’s secret husband, funny story I’ll tell it some other time.)

He’s right.  Racism, classism, homophobia and sexism happen in California, New York, Montana, Florida and just about every other state.  I’m not sure if the south has a more concentrated number of assholes or if we as a society like to pick on them for their accents.  I might even go as far as to say I think if you add up all the liberal towns in the South it’s more liberal than Montana.  California has a very conservative red center.  In Nevada Las Vegas is actually more conservative than Reno.  Oregon is quite conservative especially eastern Oregon.  Only two voting districts in Florida are considered Democratic.

There are many southerners in my life all of whom are pretty liberal and very few of who still live in the South.

When I say many I mean:

  • my fiance
  • my father (not my step-dad and not so liberal)
  • three of my closest friends (one whom died earlier this year, but he’s still around commenting on my life from time to time with his laid back drawl.  I love you UnkleMike and I miss you so very much.)
  • several colleagues
  • a plethora of acquaintances

So it’s late and this post is a little disjointed, but what I think my point is, is that while we can make generalizations about certain geographic locations (the South) it is important to look beyond the assumptions.  There are good people in the South doing great social justice work.  Whole town are coming together to take a stand against homophobia, like the tiny town in Appalachian Kentucky that passed a gay rights law, Covington, Lexington and Louisville have similar laws.   A couple of dear friends of mine LadySnow and Grant are very active in Jacksonville advocating for LGBT rights and there have been wins.  Like it or not the South is changing. What are we going to have to say when the South comes all the way around and equality for minorities is the norm there?  People have the capacity to change, even Southerners, they just do it one at a time.



Recovery ala roosters..

Mr.Monster and I are back in Hawaii.  OK I’m back in Hawaii, this is Monster’s first trip here.  There is good and bad to recovering in Hawaii.  The good is I can go to class and see my friends, the bad is I can’t go flop in the ocean or really do much of anything except be annoyed by the roosters at 6am.  Yeah I know – I’m sure you are crying me a river right?


I know you were wondering and sadly it’s true

The roosters remain, BUT the good news is there are less roosters than before.  Like only 2 which is going to make sending Monster on an annihilation mission much more probable.  Ideally I’d like to get rid of all the roosters and chickens and only have my pretty Bard Rock chickens and ducks.  Oh well – I don’t get to decide as many things as I’d like around here.  (read none!)

So in other news it’s AlohaFriday here and Mr.Monster has abandoned me to my rest bed in favor of using a machete to cut down plants.  It’s been generally agreed upon by MyLadyMother and my Mr.Monster that a vegetable garden is a good idea.  I can’t grow anything except roses and orchids so I mostly wave my hands and my crutches around saying……


“very well”

“good plan”

“carry on”

“etc. and so forth”

I did try to do a nosedive down the driveway.  Most of you haven’t seen our driveway – let’s just say a tumble down it would be a ginormous mistake.  Momentous, but still a major mistake.

So I’ll wrap this post up by saying it’s nearly been a year!  The best thing that ever happened to me was my event contract being cancelled and me having to figure out what to do with my life.  I’ve spent a fair amount of time conversing with my dear friend LadyFaceGomez recently about money and happiness and she reminds me as often as I need it that money isn’t happiness.  I am more happy now than last year.  I have love, great friends, ducks, a pony size dog, and 3/4 of an education under my belt.  I sound all zen and shit don’t I?  Well to quote my favorite math professor Mr. B….

Namaste Mother Fucker  🙂

ps – it’s Oktoberfest tonight and if I’m luck I’ll have pictures of Mr.Monster doing the chicken dance!


Insights from Target or North vs. South

Mr.Monster and I are in the DC/Reston area for Labor Day weekend.  We went to see Lawless since it’s about bootleggers in Virginia and well, Mr.Monster is related to those people……best to know who you are sleeping with!  I digress, but only kind of…

There is a distinct difference between “up north” and “down south” and it’s more than just accents, the liberal use of bacon or the conservative nature of the residents.  In a very short, romantic, amazing month I’ve become accustomed to something in the south – polite and mostly friendly people.

Walk into any store, gas station, cafe, anywhere and people smile, greet you, say please and thank you etc. etc.  In the south (thus far) no one acts like a linebacker going for the bread or the apples.  There is no “” race from the checkout to the front door.  

Maybe it’s having gone from Hawaii, where we live aloha, to the south, where politeness is cultural that being in DC bothers me.  It’s not a huge bother, but it’s enough to remind me that contrary to popular belief I don’t much care for cities or city folk.  After our last trip to target so that I could procure monkey socks and polka dot shoes, I looked at Mr.Monster and said “I’m ready to go back home now please….”  Mr. Monster snickered and later the same day so did my uncle Mr.CrankyPants and my dear friend TheDragon, all of whom hail from the south…..  

There are many things I thought I would do with my life and many places I thought I would live – the south I assure you was not on that list, but neither was love.  So along with having already fallen madly in love with one very handsome and kind Mr. Monster – I’m falling in love with the southern half of Virginia.  So I can add loving being in the south to 101 things I never thought I would say or do, but isn’t that exactly how life works out most of the time?

<end – nothing else to read – go buy me shoes!>

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I want to be this lady when I grow up!!

Yeah so I’m already kinda grown up, but I stumbled across the blog of a woman who has been to 33 countries and has no plans on stopping.  YES PLEASE!!  (minus the pregnant part because we allllll know I’m Mommy Dearest material and the world doesn’t need more wire hanger scenes)

At the moment for a couple of reasons my travel is limited to frequent trips back to California.  Is it the 16th yet?!?!?! BUT upon graduation –

So here is my hit list.  The top 5 places I want to see or see again!

  1. Europe – this trip is in the budding stage.  Ideally I’ll go summer 2013 before RN school.
  2. Scotland – I have an overwhelming desire to go to Scotland again, but this time with  TheHandsomestManUnder30.  I have a feeling my brother and I will get into enough trouble that someone will have to bail us out.  ET Phone Home!
  3. India – I.Just.Want.To.Shop
  4. Africa – I’m fairly certain there is an AIDS project with my name on it in Africa
  5. Galapagos – I need to find out if they have a monkey for me.

I will not be traveling with roosters or to anywhere that advertises having poultry as some kind of country delight.  I’m fine without fresh eggs thanks.