My Life in Paradise

because I only wish I could make this sh*t up…

Recovery ala roosters..

Mr.Monster and I are back in Hawaii.  OK I’m back in Hawaii, this is Monster’s first trip here.  There is good and bad to recovering in Hawaii.  The good is I can go to class and see my friends, the bad is I can’t go flop in the ocean or really do much of anything except be annoyed by the roosters at 6am.  Yeah I know – I’m sure you are crying me a river right?

THERE ARE STILL ROOSTERS HERE!

I know you were wondering and sadly it’s true

The roosters remain, BUT the good news is there are less roosters than before.  Like only 2 which is going to make sending Monster on an annihilation mission much more probable.  Ideally I’d like to get rid of all the roosters and chickens and only have my pretty Bard Rock chickens and ducks.  Oh well – I don’t get to decide as many things as I’d like around here.  (read none!)

So in other news it’s AlohaFriday here and Mr.Monster has abandoned me to my rest bed in favor of using a machete to cut down plants.  It’s been generally agreed upon by MyLadyMother and my Mr.Monster that a vegetable garden is a good idea.  I can’t grow anything except roses and orchids so I mostly wave my hands and my crutches around saying……

“yes”

“very well”

“good plan”

“carry on”

“etc. and so forth”

I did try to do a nosedive down the driveway.  Most of you haven’t seen our driveway – let’s just say a tumble down it would be a ginormous mistake.  Momentous, but still a major mistake.

So I’ll wrap this post up by saying it’s nearly been a year!  The best thing that ever happened to me was my event contract being cancelled and me having to figure out what to do with my life.  I’ve spent a fair amount of time conversing with my dear friend LadyFaceGomez recently about money and happiness and she reminds me as often as I need it that money isn’t happiness.  I am more happy now than last year.  I have love, great friends, ducks, a pony size dog, and 3/4 of an education under my belt.  I sound all zen and shit don’t I?  Well to quote my favorite math professor Mr. B….

Namaste Mother Fucker  🙂

ps – it’s Oktoberfest tonight and if I’m luck I’ll have pictures of Mr.Monster doing the chicken dance!

2 Comments »

Screw the roosters – let’s talk fire and hoses and chemistry..

Been awhile – fill in this space with blah blah blah about why it’s been so long etc.  Be creative!  Make something up that involves aliens and jail and cake and thai hookers, I’ll back you up, so will HomoJoe.

So at this moment I’m sitting on a too small couch in a too hot city in my underwear trying to wrap my brain around a decision to take a course that may well be the biggest challenge yet.  Where am I?  Sacramento, CA.  Because everyone leaves this for 105 degree summers right?  Wrong it’s just me.

Failing to read the course description I signed up for a two semester chemistry class that some masochist compressed into one regular semester and some sadist compressed into a summer semester.  Think 34 weeks of chemistry compressed into about 7 weeks.  Yeah – it’s going to be like drinking from a firehose and wearing depends because I don’t actually have time to go pee I’ll be studying .  

I did get a new livescribe pen. Not all my ex’s live in Texas but the one who does is pretty damn cool and she is who sent me the pen.  (I’m fairly lucky in that I get to be friends with most of my ex’s. I know – so very lessssssbian of me!) 

So stay tuned for the summer.  Rather than rooster antics I’ll probably be posting about my latest chemical disaster.  It’s a lab class after all and doing it wrong can lead to a cold naked shower with your classmates.

Oh yeah – the picture is me.  Reading a medical text.  In a tiara.  I win!

Image 

Leave a comment »

Oh My Gay – It’s nearly summer!!!

So what’s new in alohaland?  Not much really.  My ducks are delightful.  I’ve named them but I can’t remember what – it’s early.  The roosters still mock me however I’m just waiting for the right moment to replace them with plastic lawn flamingos……..and they know it!  Zombie lawn flamingos to be exact.  *smirk*

3.5 weeks to go and summer break starts.  Not that I’m taking time off school or anything.  I’m planning to take Ochem this summer.  “Bless me father for I have sinned…”  HOLY SHITE..  8 weeks and a metric ton of remembering later River may be cleaning me up off the bottom of the shower.

Anyway – we are sporting plans to run off to Yosemite for a few days.  A few days being 2 since River saving all her time for our Christmas adventure in Sweeeeeeeeden and Icccccccceland..  Who doesn’t want to go Europe for Christmas raise your hand.  Yeah I didn’t think so!  I wanted to go to Germany as well, but student funds only go so far and there is a tattoo artist in Denmark I’m stalking!

For those of you who have requested a photo of the.most.handsome.man.under.30 aka my brother.  Look!  I got one.  I’m the short one in the picture in case your gender glasses aren’t working!

Image

I ❤ my brother. You should too.

 

Leave a comment »

I won…..

So…If you happen to be my neighbor…And you happen to hand me a rifle with a scope on it…..And I happen to be standing on the lanai…..And I happen to be able to see 2 roosters…..And I have totally clear shots…

What do you think I’m going to do??  

Rooster -2, Sarah +2

<the end> 

Leave a comment »

Roosters Love Orchids! – kind of like the Nissan commercial Dogs Love Trucks only less amusing…

😐  We’ll start with that face…..  😐  again just to make sure it’s understood that I am not a happy monkey.  Oh and here is the Dogs Love Trucks commercial in case you have no idea what I’m talking about because you should, it was funny!

So back to my unhappiness…….The stupid roosters have decided that in retaliation for rock throwing in my underwear (again) they are going to terrorize my orchids.

-asshole poultry-

So far they have left the baby orchids and the grown up orchids alone.  They seem to like knocking over my juvenile orchids best.  Stupid roosters, I can take out their kids and their little white dogs to you know!  Someone hand me my broomstick!

My friend DiverDan has located me a pink slingshot since Cabelas failed me!  He’ll be sending that soon I hope….  HINT HINT HINT!!!.

Side note: I had a pink leopard broom, but my SuperBitchHouseMateFromHell has it.  It would have matched the pink slingshot really well.  As it is I’m going to need some pink underwear for this next phase of rooster irradication.

In yet further rooster adventures I was questioned by my FairyGodMother as to if I was really actually going to kill the roosters.  What do you think I’m going to do?  😐

So now I must go back to googling for deep sea microbes and sexy underwear. (The underwear is NOT for the roosters!!)

So tiny and so sweet!

Leave a comment »

Death Cock……..is loud…..

Death Metal Rooster…..  Just click the linky.  You won’t thank me, but I’ll thank you.

The above bit of goodness is brought to me by my god brother.  He is without a doubt TheMostGorgeousManUnder30 and thankfully he knows it, I know it and when I get to go to lunch with him and all the girls stare me down.  Hahaha I win!  Look I don’t get to win against Barbie very often….so I take what I can get!!

(He’s not gay……HomoKiwi I already know what you are thinking….I know sad HomoKiwi…)

TheMostGorgeousManUnder30 also happens to be really smart and equally if not more snarky than his older, not so wiser, sister.  And hence I am graced with roosters with billy clubs, satan living in Scotland and Death Metal Rooster….

PS – Did I mention he’s going to be a Dr. and keep me young.forever.and.ever.and.ever!!!

PPS – He’s single.  But I have to approve and I’m unlikely to approve of anyone.  Except someone snarkier than me or brave enough to send me Death Cocks..  The feathered kind.  Not that the other kind can’t be feathered..  But they shouldn’t be – at least not unless that is your fetish and there is after all Rule 34.

it appears my favorite Rule34 comic from xkcd has gone missing.  sorry!

 

 

4 Comments »

note cards, microbiology, and REDRUM…

So here I sit.  Nice view of the ocean.  Birds chirping.  Doing my homework like a good femme should.  I’m in the middle of writing a note card about the 4 nucleotides of DNA and I start writing like I’m possessed by a demon….  *insert nails on chalkboard sound please…*

I’m not possessed.  Really, I’m not.  Just ask…..  Oh forget it don’t ask anyone just take my word for it for fucks sake!   The roosters have triangulated around the house and decided to crow back and forth like I can only imagine nice little yodelers do on pristine mountain tops in Switzerland.  I’m not in the Swiss Alps in case you aren’t following along to where I am.. and I might feel insane is surrounded by yodelers ask me when I’m trying to do homework in the Swiss Alps..  No wait – don’t ask me..  I’ll have thrown my cell phone down the mountain face and gone skiing naked…..  As I was saying!!

Have.I.Mentioned.I.Want.The.Roosters.Dead.Yet?

If not – let me remind you.  My nice friendly, fluffy, what a fierce femme does in Hawaii for 1.5 years blog has become my rampage against poultry in particular wild.fucking.roosters.

So I made up this ditty to amuse myself while scribbling REDRUM over and over again on my notecards.  ((Gah – technology you hosebeast..  Don’t put this post up before I’m done!!  Ok along again..))  Sing this to “How Much Is That Dog In The Window” while thinking…. about how much I want the roosters to expire..

  • Oh when oh when will my slingshot come?
  • Oh when oh when will it arrive?
  • With their stupid feathery tails and their stupid ugly beaks I’m going to make sure they all die!

Yes I really ordered a slingshot.  My favoritest Geek in the Midwest found me a slingshot with metal ammo.  Have I mentioned I love geeks and this one in particular?  I’ll post details on the slingshot later..  No I’m not sharing the Geek..  He’s married and not to me!!

So until I have dead roosters to show you just imagine me strung out over a rooster or 4.  Not finals, not what do I wear, not omg I have a date..  Roosters…  4 of them..  And they are holding me hostage..  In Hawaii..  With a nice view..  And fresh fruit……

1 Comment »

Things I bet you didn’t know about Hawaii…..

a) It’s cold here.  Like fall in N. California cold– in the morning and since I  have, as quickly as possible, acclimatized to never.wanting.to.be.cold.again – the weather this AM sucked.  (I wrote this post under 2 blankets with my ugly UofT sweatshirt on.) Go Longhorns! Whatever else you make a great ugly ass pajama hoody..

b) Everyone really is nice.  It’s not just a tourist commercial.  Seriously.

c) Poultry are everywhere.  Wild and obnoxious poultry.  I’m waiting on a slingshot from Cabelas then it’s on like donkey kong.  (I interrupted writing this message from AlohaLand  to go throw rocks at the stupid roosters.)

d) Chasing roosters – it’s easy to get up the lava rock hill – it’s less easy to get down the lava rock hill.  Thank god no one else was awake because about the time I started down the hill I realized it was god o’clock in the am and I was in flipflops, a UofT hoody and  my underpants had the words “SPANK ME” emblazoned across my ass.

y) Everything here comes down to my disdain for roosters going off at midnight, 2am and 6:46am.

z) I want a monkey, but this isn’t new to me being in Hawaii……..

4 Comments »